Why don't friends with kids have TIME?

I ran across this on FB today:

 One of the stupidest questions in the history of lobotomized idiots asking questions so insulting they should be instantaneously struck by lighting.

Good answer too- I wouldn't have been able to keep my composure that long without lapsing into a lengthy, profane tirade.

Here's my own (straight faced) answer, taken from breakfast the other day.

So I'm up at the usual 7am, got the coffee going, and began the daily breakfast dance with Fuss.
If you just make him something, he won't eat in on principle.  Note for the wannabe hardasses  muttering "just leave it on the table, HE'LL EAT IT WHEN HE'S HUNGRY ENOUGH," under your breath, let me assure you that you could not be less correct..

So I go through the list.
He doesn't want toast, he doesn't want oatmeal, he doesn't want cereal, he doesn't want cheese, he doesn't want plain bread, he doesn't want pears, or apples, or banannas.  Finally, he says he does want EGGS.

Great!  He hasn't wanted eggs in a while.

Of course he wants to help, and I love having him in the kitchen with me, but given the vagaries of toddler cooking scrambling a couple of eggs takes us half a dozen eggs and about twenty minutes.
Eventually we get it done, I make him a plate and serve it up.

"Uh....dada, I said I don't WANT eggs."
"You just TOLD me you wanted eggs.  YOU HELPED ME MAKE THEM."
"Uh....dada?  I DON'T WANT EGGS I SAID."


Ok, so having determined I can't trust a word he says today, I just make up a plate of cheese and pear (two of his favorite things on earth) plop it in front of him and go back to making coffee.

"Dada, I DON'T WANT CHEESE," he exclaims.  I turn around to tell him that's what he's getting like it or not, and see that he is literally stuffing it in his mouth while complaining he doesn't want it.

With Fuss it's not just the ridiculous amount of time it takes to do simple things like get dressed, or eat breakfast, or leave the house that wears you down so much as the nonstop barrage of  reflexive contrariness.

You can ask a slam dunk YES question out of the blue, something like "would you like some ice cream and a tootsie roll for lunch?" and this is exactly how he'll answer:

Long pause.
"I mean, yes!"

These days he'll occasionally tack on a 'please' after the yes, which is progress of a sort.
With him, I'll take whatever I can get....

No comments: